looking for a good time? call this number
by J-Beany
Summary: Missions are deemed illegal and the only way to communicate and serve your countries is through an escort business where your allies hire you per hour. When shikamaru is hired as an escort for temari, he has to wonder what kind of escort he really is.
1. Chapter 1

**Shikamaru as an escort? Temari as his client! Oh no its not like it seems! With a threatening war on hand and kohona destroyed, missions are deemed illegal by the council and the only way to communicate and serve your countries is through an "escort business" where your allies hire you per hour. But when shikamaru is hired as an escort for temari, he has to wonder what kind of escort he really is!**

Sliding and clicking his leg holster into place at about mid thigh, Shikamaru Nara Shuffles off the bed quietly trying to collect his belongings scattered on the floor without waking the other occupiers of the household. He spots a familiar item on the floor a few centimeters away by the edge of the bed.

He sighs groaning with annoyance

"There goes another shirt" He mutters scrunching it into his pack.

He doesn't ever remember this happening in missions.

**How troublesome.**

Speaking of troublesome, with his skilled ninja ears it doesn't take him long to realise most of the household is beginning to stir awake.

_Looks like his cue to leave._

He scans the room frantically for any remnants from the night before and his shoulders relax when he finds none.

He turns and focuses his eyes on what he has been trying to avoid all morning.

_Her_

There she is lying on the bed, her blond hair lying delicately on the pillow

He sighs and wishes it didn't have to end this way.

He had no idea this came with the job description.

He leans over her and checks for the last time.

Yeah mission complete.

He didn't want to.

Just like him to get stuck with a woman.

He hears someone approach the stairs.

He takes one last look at the blond regretting almost everything he did last night.

With the bedroom door beginning to creak open he takes his chances and jumps out of the far right window fleeing into the nearby forest.

The screams can be heard in the forest.

At 12:00 last night in her own bed.

A cloud nin was killed.

By her own escort

He is about to open the apartment door when Ino approaches him,being annoyingly gleeful from someone who came back from her own escort service a mere 20 minutes ago.

"So..." she says waggling her eyebrows a bit, "how did it go?"

He sighs and rubs his hands over his temples

"Ino..."He drawls lazily "I've explained this to you a million times... this is actually a mission"

He clicks the door open with some frustration and continues onwards

" This isn't actually an escort business..."

She furrows her eyebrows together and snorts at him

"Pfft... of _course _I know that" she says and makes her way over to the fridge complaining on the way about chouji's inability to_ stock _the fridge rather than _empty_ it.

Shikamaru is about to get a clean getaway when she irritates him again with the details of particular escort job he had just finished.

"I thought something might of actually happened is all" she adds as an afterthought while sitting down on the couch

He shudders,

"Ino... now why would I …."

He stops mid sentence as chouji enters, looking just about as tired and frustrated as he is at this point.

Chouji slops down lazily on the couch plopping next to Ino who if anything seems more delighted by his company.

Shikamaru stares at them for a second and then frowns.

"Why not question him?" He drawls pointing his thumb for emphasis.

Ino instead of applying an answer, begins to engage in a conversation with chouji about the details of Shikamaru's last job.

Shikamaru aggravated, annoyed and deprived of sleep, decides that now would be the best time to leave the room.

He makes it halfway down the hall when the call of chouji is heard from his retreating back.

"You know your next job was three hours ago right?"

Shikamaru groans and curses inwardly to no-one in particular.

"Where?" he replies back wondering if a minor injury can prevent his going.

He turns and chouji throws him a unusually coloured scroll with precise accuracy.

"Came through today" he nods and shikamaru nods back.

He slides it into his pocket and is about to make his way out the door again when Ino calls again for what he hopes is the last time but he knows really is just the start.

"Oh shikamaru..." she says holding in her laugh " ….next time you get a job, try to make sure that they know what kind of escort you are" She spurts off into laughter and as a retort shikamaru slams the door on her.

"Stupid Ino" He says cursing her under his breath.

Every day since he set up this business shes been making fun of him.

The last job didn't seem to help either...

He wanders down the unfamiliar alleyways until he is met by a more familiar doorstep.

He knocks twice and releases a seal..

"Shizune let me in" He calls

A sigh can be heard from the other side of the door before it opens and a head pops out and swivels the area suspiciously.

"You are late shikamaru nara!" she scolds, but lets him in anyway.

He makes his way down the hall accompanied by Shizune and met by all the Jounin and Anbu glaring at him with a combination of hatred and a stack-load of paperwork,

A few dozen doors later he manages to reach a small red painted door with a newly severed hole through it.

"She has been waiting a whole 3 hours!" Shizune hisses

He slowly creaks the door open and is met with a sour faced Tsunade eying him with disinterest.

"GIRL, SUNA, NOW!" she exclaims.

Shikamaru blinks in confusion.

"Huh?"

Tsunade smirks and relaxes into her chair sorting through some papers.

She looks up "For every minute that you were late shikamaru, I decided to deduct a sentence"

"Wasn't that a sent-"

"OUT, NOW!"

He scuttles outside barely avoiding a badly aimed chair in his direction and by the time he leaves the building, he decides a course of action and sets off on his journey.

About 10 minutes into his journey he unfurled his scroll and sighed mentally,

He hates it when Ino is right.

Chouji does have an inability to stock the right thing.

Its probably the reason why he now staring down at a take out menu...

And that is also the reason shikamaru ended up travelling to Suna, for a job and a girl that he had no idea about.

"**How troublesome"** He sighs.

**A/N: My first A/N admittingly... what do you think? Was it ok? **

**More shikatema interaction next chapter of course...**

**Oh its not set in the manga timeline to be clear :)**

**Reviews = awesomeness **


	2. Chapter 2

Now, waking up in strange room, with no idea where the hell you are and dressed in only your boxer shorts meant you had the hell of night.

But waking up in a strange room, with no idea where the hell you are and dressed in only your boxer shorts, with a woman straddling your hips meant something serious went down.

…...

"Temari"

…...

"Yes"

…...

"What are you doing?"

"What am _I_ doing?"

"Yes...You"

She smirks leaning over him suggestively

"Don't you remember?"

He frowns trying to be impassive... but failing.

"No...especially why I can't feel my hands" He looks down momentarily "Why is that and what is this burning sensation?"

"So you really don't remember huh?" She smirks playfully

"No, But-"

"No buts, ifs or what's, if you can no longer remember the situation then I am no longer obligated to sit here" She says unpeeling herself off him quickly.

"Sit being the operative word..." He mutters half halfheartedly to himself

"Yours hands will recover in 4 to 6 days" She drawls deadpan, in response, walking towards the edge of the bed.

"That's nice...Wait what?"

"I'll have you escorted off the premises as soon as you jump at that far left window" She gestures with her elbow "From there a trusted ally will lead you into the woods using a handy compass and after about four miles in turn north west to the red river."

She looks at him and he doesn't speak so she continues.

"Travel down this river until you reach a cave. Do not be fooled by the people of the West! , this cave will have a map, this map will have a-

"Are you fucking with me?" He finally interrupts astonished and confused by whatever the hell she was talking about.

"Depends what you mean.." She smirks suggestively

-KA-THUMP-

"Crap" Temari hisses quietly to herself, her tone becoming deadly serious as she hears the noise coming from three stairways below.

"What's that?" Shikamaru asks nervously craning his neck

"Gaara" she replies "He can't see us...or rather see_ you_ like that..."

"Understandable" He mutters looking down at his bare chest. And the fact he is on Temari's bed.

"I will leave with you, this way they cannot kill-... I mean so that you will be safe." She smiles sheepishly

She starts gathering up her stuff from the wardrobes and stuffing them into random bags.

"Oi" He asks loudly but she quickly abandons her bags and runs over to him to clamp her hand firmly and tightly over his mouth.

"Shut your mouth, _Idiot_" She whispers into his ear and despite the serious nature of her tone he can't stop the ripples of pleasure that circulates around his body.

Seeing that shikamaru is in a quiet state again she abandons him and begins to cram more illegible items into the bag.

"…."

"You know with you I am_ never _under the impression that I am safe" He mutters slowly

"Ok "She nods satisfied with the packing of her bags. "For the next four to six days I will become your hands!" She smiles encouragingly, happily ignoring his last comment.

"Never say that again" he shudders

"You get the idea" She says not really listening.

He sighs and finally tries to take the situation into his own (or rather lack of) hands

"Look why don't you just tell me-"

"No time, now tell me how to put your goddamn trousers on.

...

To this there were no objections.

The shirt however

"You know this an arm hole right...not a head hole...OW...what the HELL, Stop it; it WON'T fit!"

"Yes. It WILL!" She says through clenched teeth, ignoring Shikamaru's muffled screams as she tries to force his head through.

-KA-THUMP-

No TIME! She exclaims abandoning the process and instead grabbing the back of the him and thrusting him forcefully out of the window.

"Ahhhhhh... what the hell!" He screams through mid-air, closing his eyes as he sees the drop below him.

He opens his eyes and is not met with his unfortunate death (he is five floors up of course)

But is met with a very heavy steel fan pressing against his cheek.

Which needless to say is painful.

But tolerable.

"Ow..." He grumbles annoyed that he can't rub or _move _his cheek properly, without the use of his hands.

So his back is still half the air ...and his head still half sticking out of the armhole of his shirt.

Downward dog position.

She jumps onto the fan herself, landing enviously on her shins, dropping her bags on the fan delicately.

"Ok" she nods reassuringly to herself again, before licking her thumb and checking the direction of the wind.

"I've saved up enough chakra, so back to Konoha I guess..."

She sighs, obviously annoyed that Shikamaru can't trek all the way back that she planned.

Now it's time for Shikamaru to sigh

"We don't live there anymore"

"But the leaflet..."

"You went in my pockets!" He half exclaims, annoyed with practically anything he doesn't know by this point

Which is a lot.

She chuckles

"...So where to...?" She drawls ignoring the way Shikamaru is glaring at her

"The red light district in the Lighting village" He grumbles

She nods and Shikamaru: Tired, and unable to move at this point tells her one single thing before dozing off into a deep sleep.

"I need to pee"

...

"Oh, hell no"

I am _not_your hands.

(3

**A/N: (:P )= 3**

(3

**FLY MY PRETTIES FLY!**


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